The second thing you need to know about me is that I have been very sick for a very long time. I regularly stumped doctors and felt completely insane when they all told me there was nothing wrong with me. This post was originally written when I finally got a lead on my health issues on January 15, 2016. Updated today, March 7, 2016.
I’ve just been told I very likely have a disease with no cure. I nearly wept. Not tears of sadness, but of relief. Relief because this thing that I’ve been fighting against for so long has a name. It is real. There is a reason for all I have lost.
Over the past five years I have been to three Primary Care Providers, four Specialists, two Alternative Medicine Providers, had my entire body scanned except my arms and legs, and had countless vials of blood removed from my stubborn veins. The providers who believed there was something physically wrong with me tried to help. Oh, how they tried! But there were far too many who believed it was all in my head. I have a history of anxiety in my record and that was all they needed to make their assumptions. I started having anxiety attacks during an incredibly stressful job that owned me 24/7 and after three of my grandparents passed away in the span of just over a year. That was more than five years ago. I’ve grieved, been to therapy and, though I will always miss them, I believe I have healed. I had a new job that I loved for almost five years, a loving husband who pretty much makes the sun come up each morning, and an incredibly blessed life. So, to hear doctor after doctor imply that all of my physical problems were due to anxiety and/or depression was a massive blow to my psyche. I beat myself up trying to figure out why I could not control this ‘thing’ that most people obviously believed was just in my head.
Several weeks ago, when this unknown illness stole yet another portion of my life (Christmas with my family), I lost it. I screamed at God “Why aren’t you doing something?!” Five days later, this ‘thing’ took my job and with it, our financial stability and what I considered my life’s purpose. After that I just felt kind of numb. Those very damaging thoughts kept coming back. I’ve done this to myself. Why can’t I get it together? Maybe if I had done this… or that and pushed through the pain, things would be different. But I just could not understand how ALL of my illnesses could possibly be in my head. I had physical evidence to the contrary.
Feel free to listen to my struggle HERE.
Heal Me, Lord
“Today I woke with fear in my mind, wondering what’s become of my life. Every moment it’s lying in wait, trapping my body and stretching my faith. Sometimes I wonder why you chose me to fight this fight.
Heal me, Lord. Oh, heal me, Lord. The spirit is wiling but the flesh is so weak. Heal me, Lord.
I ask you why you don’t take this away. Then I could serve you in much stronger ways. Those selfish thoughts are what’s pulling me down when I know in my heart that you’re still with me now so I”ll keep crawling uphill, knowing that one day you will
Heal me, Lord. Oh, heal me, Lord. The spirit is willing but the flesh is so weak. Heal me, Lord.
Just as I”m praying and wondering why, you show me others who barely get by. So in my weakness I’m on my knees, praying you’ll show them your perfect peace. In these weak hours, show us your perfect power.
Heal us, Lord. Oh, heal us, Lord. The spirit is wiling but the flesh is so weak. Heal us, Oh Lord. Heal us, Lord.”
Praise the Almighty God in Heaven, through his divine intervention I found a doctor who took one look at me and knew exactly what was going on with me. He was my aunt’s doctor in a completely different state, and of all the locations in the world, he moved to ours. We believe that God fully orchestrated my connection with him. As much as it hurts during the process, his timing is always perfect and he will take care of us.
So, what’s in a name? Everything. Peace of mind, sanity, lack of judgement, weight lifted off shoulders. Am I happy to have an incurable disease? Not at all. I am definitely in mourning for my once-healthy body. I am very sad, but I have a reason to be sad. And we will get through this. I will probably always have this disease, but at least I know what I am fighting. I can call its name. With God, my husband, and my family’s help, I can fight it. Sjogren’s Syndrome – THIS MEANS WAR!