I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. God and I haven’t been, as the song says, “the best of homies” lately. He is, was, and will always be my God, but I guess I have been angry with him. I’ve tried not to be, and I’ve told myself I’m not, but sometimes you just can’t fight the feelings. Anger happens. And I know that God is ok with questions. He’s ok with anger as long as we act on that anger in the proper way. Day after day of fighting my body often leads me to believe that he’s not helping me fight. I’m so tired. So very tired. And I’m losing hope.
God’s voice has been fairly silent in recent months, perhaps, if I admit, years. But really, I’m not sure why I would expect him to speak to me, since I’ve been pretty silent myself. Many of my prayers have been one-liners, which led to my mind wandering to the worries and fears that serious illness brings. I’ve tried to give those fears to him, but when I don’t see him working, my mind wanders again. Oh, my weary soul. I feel like the Disciples, who couldn’t stay awake long enough to keep watch for Jesus. The spirit is willing, or at least it used to be willing, but the flesh is so very weak.
A couple days ago I was driving down the road, having another one-sided conversation with God, which was mainly me saying for the millionth time, “What do you want me to do? I don’t understand. Tell me what to do!” I finally stopped to listen and I swear I heard him say, “Just hold on. I’m going to do something big.” God, telling me to get out of his way, so that he can act. I immediately had a small sense of peace, a peace that I have not had in such a long time. A peace that passes understanding.
In the past, I felt God’s presence when he would give me his songs but, as I said before, the silence has been deafening. I could no longer hear his music and, therefore, could not write it anymore. He used to give me his songs freely and I would constantly write and play them. But I just couldn’t find him anymore. Until today. The day the music returned. I sang just one line before collapsing in tears. You haven’t left me, God! You’re still here! After I gathered myself, he gave me the rest of the song. Here it is:
Wash Over Me
So many days since I’ve heard your voice