The Day the Music Returned

Anger

I’m just gonna go ahead and say it.  God and I haven’t been, as the song says, “the best of homies” lately.  He is, was, and will always be my God, but I guess I have been angry with him.  I’ve tried not to be, and I’ve told myself I’m not, but sometimes you just can’t fight the feelings.  Anger happens.  And I know that God is ok with questions.  He’s ok with anger as long as we act on that anger in the proper way.  Day after day of fighting my body often leads me to believe that he’s not helping me fight.  I’m so tired.  So very tired.  And I’m losing hope.

Silence

God’s voice has been fairly silent in recent months, perhaps, if I admit, years.  But really, I’m not sure why I would expect him to speak to me, since I’ve been pretty silent myself.  Many of my prayers have been one-liners, which led to my mind wandering to the worries and fears that serious illness brings.  I’ve tried to give those fears to him, but when I don’t see him working, my mind wanders again.  Oh, my weary soul.  I feel like the Disciples, who couldn’t stay awake long enough to keep watch for Jesus.  The spirit is willing, or at least it used to be willing, but the flesh is so very weak.

Peace

A couple days ago I was driving down the road, having another one-sided conversation with God, which was mainly me saying for the millionth time, “What do you want me to do?  I don’t understand.  Tell me what to do!”  I finally stopped to listen and I swear I heard him say, “Just hold on.  I’m going to do something big.”  God, telling me to get out of his way, so that he can act.  I immediately had a small sense of peace, a peace that I have not had in such a long time.  A peace that passes understanding.

Hope

In the past, I felt God’s presence when he would give me his songs but, as I said before, the silence has been deafening.  I could no longer hear his music and, therefore, could not write it anymore.  He used to give me his songs freely and I would constantly write and play them.  But I just couldn’t find him anymore.  Until today.  The day the music returned.  I sang just one line before collapsing in tears.  You haven’t left me, God!  You’re still here!  After I gathered myself, he gave me the rest of the song.  Here it is:

Wash Over Me

So many days since I’ve heard your voice

So many nights with tears in my eyes
Longing for just one sweet melody
that tells me you’re still here
Wash over me
Fill me and make me clean
Wash over me
And sing me your songs again
God, I’m so weary from fighting each day
When will you take this burden away?
Sing over me a song in the night
that tells me the battle is over
Wash over me
Fill me and make me clean
Wash over me
And sing me your songs again
Then just one note is heard on the wind
Filling my heart with hope once again
God, you’ve been there in my heart all along
Even when I lost your song
Wash over me
Fill me and make me clean
Wash over me
And sing me your songs again
Wash over me
And I’ll sing your songs once again.
And just in case I haven’t been quite vulnerable enough, you can listen to me squeak out the song here.  The shakiness in my voice could be emotion, or the incredible pain in my unused guitar fingers.  Also, picking is not my strong suit, hence the constant staring at my guitar.  Strumming is my game, but not what this song ordered.
So, there you have it.  My heart split wide open for all the world to see.  Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself.  But I love you all too much to tell you anything less than the truth.  May you find God’s peace and hope in each moment.
Love and blessings,
~Karina
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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble – my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

6 thoughts on “The Day the Music Returned”

  1. Beautiful, Karina. I know how you feel – I spent so long feeling angry and not hearing God’s voice. First with my mom’s Alzheimer’s and then more recently with the MCTD. Some days are still a struggle. I know God has a plan for both of us. I’m learning that even in his silence he still cares and I’m letting go a little more each day. Acceptance is hard, but it is part of the journey. I think you just had a breakthrough that will allow you to start that part of the process. Thanks for baring your soul because that helps others who are on a similar journey.

    1. Teresa, I really appreciate the comment, and for you sharing your journey with me. Though I do wish we didn’t have to go through this most days, I am so sure we are learning and being pushed and molded into the women of God we are supposed to be at this time.

  2. i really hate it when God says, “wait”. i hate waiting! i want to do! but His timing is perfect.
    it’s a hard road, but you are handling it with such truth and honesty and grace. YOU GO GIRL!

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