Is it really well with me? It has to be.
During times when it is not well, I fall into a dark hole.
I isolate myself because I’m angry or disappointed.
Maybe the purpose of all of this is to teach me that since I can’t control my own body, I may as well let go of my control of everything else.
I am struggling to learn this.
I’m holding as tightly as I can, by mere fingertips, strong as steel and scratching, grasping, unwilling to let go.
I do let go and experience a peace beyond understanding.
But I soon realize what I have done and chase after my control again.
Stretched thin and bleeding from this tug-of-war, I wonder why.
I am not in control of my life so why am I trying so hard to yank it out of God’s hands? It should be a relief to know I don’t have to have it all together. I don’t have to crawl painstakingly through this life on my own.
I am held by the greatest power in the universe.
But how long, O Lord? How long?
I am so tired. Tired is not a vast enough word. When will I be able to LIVE again? Will this ever be in the past?
Fix my eyes up to you, beyond the pain and the fear. Lock my eyes with yours and grant me a peace that only you understand.
Tell me this will end. Give me strength for each moment.