The Rest of the Story

I’ve been encouraged to write more often, even if it’s to tell about my day, so that the diseases don’t just live inside of me, festering and consuming me. I’m not sure how long this will last since I’m not used to being this vulnerable, but thanks to a small increase in courage for today, here I am. Sometimes I wonder if I give you the wrong idea. See, I only write when I’m inspired, and I’m only inspired when my mind and heart are in an ok place. Maybe it’s time for me to tell, as Paul Harvey used to say, “the rest of the story.”

It’s such a beautiful day and an awesome temperature for me. The hotter it is, the less conscious I feel so cooler temps are awakening parts of my brain that checked out for awhile. I’ve been on the porch for hours. I wish I could let myself relax but I can’t seem to do so. The fear is still there. Fear and grief that the things I’ve said and done from the darkness covering my heart have hurt those I love and ruined my relationships, fear that Jason is gone for a long time today and I’ll have a fainting episode, or really, any kind of episode. I try not to look at the clock so I don’t calculate how many hours I have left. I constantly remind my shoulders that they don’t belong next to my ears.

God is here. Repeat.

Lately, right around noon is when I get my worst dizzy spells. I don’t know why. As much as I still try to analyze and figure it out, there is no rhyme or reason. But yesterday I was able to remind myself that I’m ok through the panic so I assume today will be the same. My BP is 116/72, which is a far cry from the usual 94/55…probably because I’m stressing about this post! Hmm, maybe there is something healthy in writing this after all. 😉 My ears continue to roar with every heartbeat. My head hurts. My arms, legs, and face are tingling, and I’m accosted with sporadic sharp chest pain, but it’s on the right side so I guess I’m not dying. Speaking of, I’m not afraid of that anymore. Death. I feel like I’ve come so close on multiple occasions (likely only my perception but that’s the way it FEELS) that I’m actually looking forward to it. What I fear instead is the stuff leading up to death- the feeling of fainting, the feeling of losing consciousness, the pain. Goodness, this is depressing. This is why I’m not sure I want to write this.

But I’ve been told often enough that honesty is the best policy. I am struggling. I am sick and it’s completely ok that God hasn’t healed me yet, as much as I have trouble believing that sometimes. That’s up to Him and I don’t have to feel guilty, thinking that I haven’t done something quite right enough for Him to finally do it (I’m saying this as much for my benefit as for yours). I am a Christian who is currently not ok. And THAT is ok. I will not get struck by lightening because I can’t plaster a smile on my face. I’m learning slowly and painfully that God wants my honesty instead. I still talk to God all the time, even when it’s mostly tears or staring off into space or the only words that come out are, “please help.” I am not a super-sufferer, but Jesus loves me, brokenness and all.

God is here. Repeat.

And today, in honor of my joyful friend’s birthday, I will look just a little bit harder for the things that may not quite make me smile but that, at least for a moment, help me breathe a little easier. A playlist of my fight songs, songs that stir a fight in me when I can make myself listen to them. My dog, June, who sticks so close to me that she even interrupts my attempts to make myself presentable to the outside world before I walk her. A canopy of flowering trees. A sweet bird protecting its babies. Porch time with God. Fun socks. A sea of purple. Blue skies and a feeling of Fall in the air. Roses from my sweet husband with the excuse that they were “on sale”.

God is here. Repeat.

Until next time, thanks for reading.

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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

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