A sad thing happens when June sees another dog. She absolutely flips out. I know she wants friends because she tries to pull me after them, whining, but if they ever get too close, she bites. When she and I are on the porch together and another dog comes around the corner, she snarls and barks loud enough to wake the whole complex… and this ten pounds of furry rage lands herself in doggy jail.
Does she not just look pitiful? Unfortunately, I have to isolate her inside until the other dog goes on its way. She can’t have friends, even though she wants them.
I’m apparently a sucker for weird metaphors. In the middle of all the barking chaos, it struck me how similar her behavior is to mine. Stick with me, I’m still processing. I want to be loved and have friends but if someone gets too close, I bite them. I fear being hurt again so I bristle and push people away and then say to myself, “See, I knew they would go away. I shouldn’t have trusted.” It’s very difficult and exhausting to love someone this insecure so I feel embarrassed and terrible for treating people this way. I ebb and flow between clinging and isolation and apologies and no one is happy, especially not me. I convince myself that no one cares, that no one SHOULD care, but thank God I am often proved wrong.
The truth was once again displayed when I spent last evening with my fellow strugglers. Tuesday evenings are my favorite. My people always show me they care and want to listen to what’s in my heart, even when what’s in my heart is not very pleasant. As much as I isolate, turn into a bristling porcupine or even worse, I’m glad to have people who see past my fear to love me anyway. And I’m so glad to have a God who gathers me back into His arms when I try to run or lash out. I pray that one day my impulse will be a pure love full of trust and free of fear. Maybe there’s hope for June and me after all.
I’m tired and very dizzy but in a slightly better mood today. Maybe it’s because I spent the evening with my struggling sisters. Maybe it’s because I had a super-fun choice of socks this morning thanks to one of them. Maybe it’s because it’s no longer the full moon. Or maybe it’s just because. Whatever it is, I’ll take it and thank God for the little things.
Song I’m feeling: Runaway, by Jess Ray
“I can see it in your eyes that you’re gonna run. You’re gonna run
I can hear it in the way that you speak to me that you’re gonna leave
So as you slip away, I will say… As you pack your things, I will sing…
Even if you run away from me over the mountains, through the valleys
I will not rest but search east and west to bring you back with me
Even if you sail away from me across the oceans and the seas
I will move again like the mighty wind and blow you back to me
I’m gonna move again like the mighty wind and blow you back to me
I have seen this all before. It is all too familiar
But you will never see the bottom of my storehouses of love
So as you use the night, to make your flight
No choice that you will make or path you take will change my mind
Even if one day you decide, you will find somewhere else to hide
I will walk your way and call your name and wait for your reply
Even if you make up in your mind, you don’t want to be by my side
I will leave behind the ninety-nine, oh that you’d be mine
I’m gonna leave behind ninety-nine, oh that you’d be mine
Even if you stomp and scream and huff, tell me that I’m not good enough I’ll take every swing and every blow until you know my love
Even if you beat upon my chest, tell me that you don’t understand
I will love you and teach you to love me again
I’m gonna love you and teach you to love me again.”