My Beloved

Hold onto your hats, folks. It’s about to get real sappy up in here. Five years ago today, Jason and I said, “I do”. Five years of beautiful marriage. Five years of my Beloved being Jesus to me. Five years of unconditional love.

If you knew me pre-Jason, you know how completely jaded I was about love. I would make rude gagging noises if I saw any form of affection. Yeah, I’ve apologized before but I’m apologizing again to those in whose direction I gagged. I wonder if I was mostly just trying not to be disappointed if love didn’t happen for me. My friends joked that I would end up with the sappiest man alive and they were pretty much right. On occasion, I have called him Hallmark. God knew my heart needed to change. He has used Jason to teach me a pure love. He has softened me like you wouldn’t believe. From gagging to gaga! Oh dear. Yes, I just said that.

Since we can’t go anywhere to celebrate, I’ve been trying to make the house as nice as my stamina will allow. Our plans are to try a new recipe for dinner at home, play a couple card games if we’re not too tired, and dance to our song in the living room. It’s hard for me not to feel like I’ve made Jason’s life so small but I know what he would say. It’s not small at all, but indescribably deep. Suffering together for five years has grown us in ways that would never have been possible otherwise. We exchanged gifts this morning and, because it is our wooden anniversary, Jason gave me the word “home”. He quite often calls me his home. Beautiful. I never feel as safe as when I am with him. We are each other’s home away from our heavenly home. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine (Song of Solomon 6:3).

I’m struggling to come up with adequate words so what I wrote last year just about covers it:

You must have promised to look at me as if I hung the moon.
You must have promised to provide for me when I have nothing to give.
You must have promised to kiss me goodbye every morning.
You must have promised to cook for me when I can’t, or simply because you want to.
You must have promised to smile every time you look at me.
You must have promised to spoil me, anticipating my needs and wants.
You must have promised to sacrifice some of your desires in life because you have me and you say that’s enough.
You must have promised to be my best friend forever.
You must have promised to help me incessantly analyze the world and everything in it.
You must have promised the utmost patience in return for the utmost irrational.
You must have promised to be the best and most constant caregiver.
You must have promised to hold me when I fall apart, even if I just fell apart five minutes ago.
You must have promised to be terrible at surprises because you’re just too excited to make me happy.
You must have promised to save me from all crawling things.
You must have promised to get up early on Saturdays to grocery shop before I even leave the bed.
You must have promised to be my counselor.
You must have promised to speak for me when my words fail.
You must have promised to tell me silly jokes just because you like to hear me laugh.
You must have promised to allow me to be wholly myself.
You must have promised to take my concern (ahem, nagging) in good stride.
You must have promised to offer a listening ear every single day.
You must have promised to literally hold me upright when I can’t hold myself.
You must have promised to hold my hand when we pray.
You must have promised to never get tired of holding me.
You must have promised to never think of anything else but me, ever.
You must have promised to dream for me.
You must have promised to live for me.
You must have promised to believe in me.
You must have promised to exceed my wildest dreams.
You must have promised to continuously fill my heart to overflowing.
Those few simple vows five years ago this day must have held more beautiful promises than I could ever have imagined. And you never break a single one. God has gifted me with a miracle. I knew it then and I know it even more now. I am beyond blessed to walk with you…to be carried by you through this life. I love you, My Beloved.

And if you haven’t had enough sap yet, check out my post from a few years ago on Chronic Illness and Marriage. It’s still to date my most popular post, attracting people I don’t even know! Jason, thank you for marrying me!

Photo Credit: Kara faith Photography

Song I’m feeling: It has to be none other than Hold You Up, by Matthew West. When we chose this song for our first dance, we could have never known how prophetic it would be. Listen to the words and you will see why. That link is the video of our first dance. <3

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Guide Me In Humility

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” – James 4:10

There’s a song with those words that I learned as a little girl at camp. I love to sing it into the wind and waves every time I go to the beach. I feel a peaceful awe during those times. If only I could remember that in everyday life. God is hitting me from multiple avenues with the same lesson today: humility.

When I was a Social Worker, I helped people in need. I helped them find any resources that might be able to get them to their feet. I felt genuine compassion for them, but I would have never dreamed the empathy I would learn while unexpectedly finding myself in their shoes.

I don’t think I realized until now how opposite my mind still is from my need. It seems to be set in stone that I help; I don’t need help. My friend that I haven’t seen in years and only email occasionally sent me some applications for Lyme treatment grants she stumbled upon and I thought, what kind of Social Worker am I that I didn’t find these myself? I mentioned in my email response that Jason and I really want to move but can’t afford it and her next response was filled with all kinds of resources and ideas for that issue as well. I honestly felt dumbfounded. Where has my mind been? Oh yeah, pride. When I read the names of some of the agencies she suggested, I shockingly found myself thinking, “We don’t need that much help. We wouldn’t qualify. I’m not one of those people.” But, what on earth am I talking about? Yes, I am one of those people now. And while we’re at it, since when do I categorize people like that? What an eye-opener to find out there must be a part of me that believes people are defined by their need. God, forgive me. Social Work profession, forgive me. I was stunned that I still think I’m immune to such desperate need. How oblivious am I? Pride comes before a fall. And what was I just saying the other day about the humility that comes from wisdom? God, help me.

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” – Proverbs 11:2

I started talking to God and examining my ways. Here is what I feel when I receive help, even and especially from people who love me: guilt, fear, sadness, stress, worry. I calculate how much I ‘owe’, wonder how long it will be before I can pay it back, worry that I will always feel a debt I cannot pay. I am incapable of truly accepting a gift because I never let it sink into me without condition. God is showing me how very wrong this is. He wants me to feel: gratitude, love, humility, peace. I’m not sure I realized how foreign this is to my works-based heart.

“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.” – Psalm 25:9

God knows how much guidance I need and I want to learn to be humble so He can teach me. The concept of allowing the love that comes with a gift into my heart without freaking out about it sounds just beautiful. Why has this been so counterintuitive to me? Maybe one reason God is allowing my need is so that I learn how difficult it was for the people I helped to accept that help. Maybe this is a seriously needed dose of empathy and if that’s the case, I gladly accept. Maybe another reason is so that I can understand God’s love and gifts better. I wonder if I still think of His sacrifice for me with strings attached. I pray God helps me lay down my pride and understand help as pure love. I pray that He replaces my knee-jerk angst with the same peaceful awe I feel when I sing my song at the beach. Because now I’m not only guilty about accepting gifts, but I’m guilty about my guilt/pride! All I can say is, “God, here’s my heart. It needs some serious help!”

Today is another LONG day without Jason. He’s going on some parent field trip tonight at school. As I’ve said before, I sometimes panic without him but I’m doing okay today for the most part. I think I’m herxing a little bit so the dizziness and nausea aren’t fun, but I’m glad to feel the treatment working. Thanks for reading another one of my ramblings. I hope they at least help one person! Oh wait, this post is about me needing help… and writing helps me so… I accept! 🙂

Song I’m Feeling: Humble Thyself in the Sight of the Lord

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I Am Not A Pill Bug

It’s been a few days since I last posted but those few days were not necessarily a ‘break’. They were more of a plunge into despair. I stopped talking to everyone. Well, I tried. Some were graciously persistent (love you more than you’ll ever understand). To be honest, I’m having a hard time getting back up. I’m so tired of this. The higher I get, the harder I fall so why should I even try anymore? The crash hurts far too much. It hurts me and it hurts other people, and that’s the part I can’t get past. I have to protect people from me and me from them. I have to let them go.

It’s hard for me to describe but I think I’ve found some words that come close. I almost always have tension in my body and feel ‘curled-up’ on the inside. When I am in my worst states, I actually do curl up into a ball. I try not to even let Jason hug me because I think I don’t deserve it. I’ve caused people harm or I can’t forgive, so I don’t get to be comforted or forgiven. That’s my logic. For whatever reason this morning I reminded myself of a pill bug. Yeah, not exactly something I want to relate to. I. Am. So. Weird… but we’re going with it. Pill bugs curl into a ball when they are pressured or threatened by a predator. They protect themselves, just like I’m protecting myself.

And, because I’m so into metaphors, I did a bit of research on the pill bug (just using Wikipedia because, who really needs to know that much about pill bugs?) “Pill bugs contribute to their ecosystem as decomposers.” Ouch. Lovely. But it may be true. I believe I’ve sucked the life out of my existence and have eroded my relationships so much so that they’ll never be the same. It’s not all my fault, but I take the blame quite well… and curl up tighter. During the plunges, I believe that I’ve broken down my life to the extent that it’s completely rotten. There is nothing good in me. I’m a disappearing pile of rot, not disappearing fast enough. I hate even saying this ‘out loud’ because it’s embarrassing. I KNOW I am doing this… but I can’t stop. Another tally in the hating myself column.

I was not created as a pill bug. Seriously, Karina, STOP IT. I was created for God to protect. He didn’t need to form a shell on my back, so I need to stop forming one myself. I was created for affection and hugs and allowing other people to comfort me. I was created to uplift, not to tear down. I was created for love and all the things that go with it- forgiveness, reaching out, not holding back. I was created with grace but I just can’t seem to give it out, especially to myself. I was created for hope, not despair. I was created to “love my neighbor as myself” (Mark 12:31), but that’s not saying much if I hate myself.

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." - Psalm 5:11

I crave that refuge, joy, love, and protection but right now it feels so elusive. I don’t know how to get out of this. It feels far too hard and vulnerable and I’m terrified of the back-swing. It’s too familiar to me and I want to break the cycle. I want to stay down because it’s easier than getting knocked down. This all may be exacerbated by my broken Lyme brain, as some like to point out to me, but I don’t want to use that as an excuse not to take responsibility. It’s SO HARD to trust my own brain when it seems to be completely out of control. Well, it’s controlled… but by Lyme and/or Satan and I’ve run with that. I have a very hard time deciphering what is real and what is not, what is truth and what are lies. It’s difficult not to just throw my hands up and give up. I can’t trust myself… and no one else should trust me. I pray that one day God helps me break the cycle by holding me up… or helping me fall on Him. I pray that I uncurl and shed my shell, even just little by little. I feel as if my life is decomposed irreparably. But I KNOW that’s not true. I KNOW Satan doesn’t win. I KNOW nothing is impossible with God. I KNOW I should trust Him especially when I can’t trust myself. I KNOW He is the greatest Builder and Repairer of hearts. I just have to believe it. Again I say- almost, kind of, maybe, not really feeling it- “I do believe. Help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24). Help me, God, to die to the life of a pill bug!!

Song I’m feeling: Great Are You, Lord, by God and me. I cannot get this song out of my head today so there must be a reason He called it to mind.

Lord, I kneel in the dark and pray
Where are You now?
And though I can’t tell if You’re listening
I still bow
Because Lord, I became Yours a long time ago
Though I pull away
And Lord, I am still Yours because of Your grace
You won’t let me stray

Great are You Lord 
And Your power is never-ending 
Great are You Lord 
So I will ever praise Your name

Lord, I fight for control of my heart 
I am so afraid 
That maybe I’ll fall completely apart 
But I fall on grace 
Lord, I know You will build me up 
So I lay it down 
And Lord, I surrender to Your will 
Where peace is found

Oh, my Lord, I’m afraid to let them fall 
But the pieces of my heart fall to the safest Place of all
So Lord, Your will be done.

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It Was Because of An Illness

“It was because of an illness that I first preached the gospel to you.” – Galatians 4:13

It was because of an illness…

It was because of an illness that I stopped ignoring and neglecting my body.
It was because of an illness that I started attending to my heart.
It was because of an illness that I discovered the places where my faith is weak.
It was because of an illness that I opened my eyes to the spirit of striving in me.

"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" - Galatians 3:3

It was because of an illness that I am able to spend countless uninterrupted hours with God.
It was because of an illness that God is becoming the most important relationship in my life.
It was because of an illness that I fell in love with Scripture.
It was because of an illness that I sometimes dare to ask for miracles.

"Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?" - Galatians 3:5

It was because of an illness that I am learning the importance of true rest.
It was because of an illness that I uncovered my works-based mindset.
It was because of an illness that I understand how enduring suffering with faith grows the fruit of the Spirit.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." - Galatians 5:22-23a

It was because of an illness that I have a deeper marriage.
It was because of an illness that I pray with my husband much more often.
It was because of an illness that I have a greater understanding of the Holy Spirit.

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." - Galatians 5:16

It was because of an illness that I started to find my honest voice.
It was because of an illness that I found people who know how to sit with others in suffering.

"Even though my illness was a trial to you, you did not treat me with contempt or scorn. Instead, you welcomed me" - Galatians 4:14a

It was because of an illness that I encourage others.
It was because of an illness that I started to reveal my hidden places, the secrets destroying me.
It was because of an illness that I discovered my aversion to grace.

"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all." - Galatians 1:6-7a

It was because of an illness that I am softening.
It was because of an illness that I am introspective.
It was because of an illness that I saw my chains and longed for freedom.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1

It was because of an illness that I hear God’s voice more clearly.
It was because of an illness that I realized I never understood the gospel to my core.
It was because of an illness that I stopped defining myself by my career.

"God does not judge by external appearance" - Galatians 2:6

It was because of an illness that I pretend less and less that I am okay.
It was because of an illness that I am able/forced to let Christ live through me while I am not strong enough.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." - Galatians 2:20

It was because of an illness that I know to Whom I belong.
It was because of an illness that I have a greater understanding of spiritual warfare.
It was because of an illness that I have slowly reached out and allowed people to help me.

"The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." - Galatians 5:14-15

It was because of an illness that I have started to release pent-up pain.
It was because of an illness that I pay attention to my pain.
It was because of an illness that I realized my joy was everywhere but in Christ.

"What has happened to all your joy?" - Galatians 4:15

It was because of an illness that I am not afraid to ask God questions.
It was because of an illness that I give my sins less power by confessing them to others.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2

It was because of an illness that I know my body.
It was because of an illness that I am educated in health.
It was because of an illness that I am my body’s greatest advocate.
It was because of an illness that I realized how little I understood unconditional love.

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." - Galatians 5:6

It was because of an illness that I have time to share what God is teaching me.
It was because of an illness that I am learning to be myself.
It was because of an illness that I am letting God shift my priorities.
It was because of an illness that I am sometimes able to believe that God has a purpose for me greater than anything I imagined.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for a the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9

It was because of an illness that I know how important it is to grieve.
It was because of an illness that I long for my heavenly home.
It was because of an illness that I may be able to help others through similar circumstances.
It was because of an illness that I glorify God.
It was because of an illness that God is preaching the gospel through me.

"It was because of an illness that I first preached the gospel to you." - Galatians 4:13

And on this day, when I wanted nothing to do with one more single minute of this life I’m currently living, my eye caught the picture of this verse hanging in front of me. And it was because of God’s grace that He allowed me to thank Him for it… perhaps through gritted teeth, but nevertheless… because of this illness, I praise Him.

Song I’m feeling: Beautiful, Beautiful, by Francesca Battistelli

“Don’t know how it is You looked at me and saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark, suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight making my life something so beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need, You are so beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain but even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down, I see You through the clouds shining on my face

I have come undone but I have just begun changing by Your grace”

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If Any of You Lacks Wisdom…

I want to thank my dear readers for the good discussion yesterday on suffering and heaven’s rewards. My friend brought me a book on the subject so I can’t wait to share more of what I learn. But for now, I thought I would talk about some thoughts that came to me as I was reading Scripture. One of the friends who shared with me mentioned the book of James so I thought that was a good indicator that I needed to read it again. I started reading it for the suffering passage in Chapter 1 but something else in that passage caught my eye:

“Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:4-5).

When we persevere through trials, we eventually won’t lack anything. And right now when we do lack, we should ask God to fill us. I thought if I wanted to understand the answers to my questions, I should ask God for wisdom, so I did. And later in the book, there is a whole passage on wisdom that I hadn’t given much attention to before:

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness” (James 3:13-18).

What jumped off the page at me first was “the humility that comes from wisdom.” I started to think that maybe wisdom is not necessarily knowledge, but the attitude of not needing to know. In other words, people who are wise don’t necessarily have more knowledge, but they don’t feel the need to have more knowledge. They are submissive, humble in their not-knowing and in their trust. It kind of blew my mind a little bit.

And when I read further, I realized that James is saying people who possess heavenly wisdom live a good life and do good deeds in the humility that comes from wisdom, meaning they do these good things without necessarily needing to know the reason. This is a pure submission to God. James goes on to describe these people as being full of good fruit. When we submit ourselves to God in trust, even without fully understanding it all, He grows His fruit of the Spirit in us.

James also describes a ‘wisdom’ that does not come from God but instead, comes from the devil. He says that this kind of wisdom is obtained out of bitter envy and selfish ambition. I was convicted because I think it’s saying that if I ‘need’ to know for my own sake or because I’m jealous of others or covetous of knowledge, I am letting the devil give me wisdom. *shudder* Once this happens, I open the door to “disorder and every evil practice.” God, forgive me! Help me close the door!

I love the last verse in this passage, “Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” If we submit to God and do things out of the humble kind of wisdom, we are sowing in peace, with the peace of mind that allows God to be God and releases the need to know everything. When we plant our offering to God in the not-knowing, the fruit in us will grow to a bountiful harvest. We will probably even have enough fruit to share with others. How exciting is that?

This is a beautiful passage and I pray I continue to take it to heart as I ask God for the wisdom to lay down my need to know all the answers. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to ask questions. I actually think God welcomes them. But I also believe we should be able to say, “Your will be done”, even if we don’t have all the answers. Faith wouldn’t be faith if we knew everything. Maybe wisdom comes not in the obtaining, but in the letting go.

Thanks again for taking part in the discussion and if you have any more thoughts, I’d love to hear them. I hope we all continue to learn and grow. Today is another rough day but I’m clinging to the beautiful things that have already happened to uplift me. Last night I was able to participate in a brief session of corporate worship. Though it made my head spin, I was glad to be there. And then I was able to spend time sharing with my Celebrate Recovery sisters. This morning, I had some company for the first time in who knows how long. My dear friend came over and brought me her favorite book and took my labs in for me. I got a sweet card from another dear friend. And my physical copy of Fully Alive, by Susie Larson came, but it was destroyed by the post office. So, thankfully, the publisher is going to send me a new one. I wasn’t sure that would happen and I am so grateful! At least the beautiful quote cards were not destroyed. I’m looking forward to hanging them around our house. I’ve slept really well, for me, for the last three nights so I’m not sure why the fatigue is nearly overcoming me today. I felt like I had to concentrate so hard just to converse with my friend. I hope this post even makes sense to those with non-fuzzy brains! Another day, another weird symptom. Trying hard to lay the need to know why at the foot of the cross! Love to all of you!

Song I’m Feeling: It Is Well, by Kristene DiMarco. I’ve told the story before but it’s one of my favorites so I’ll share the shortened version. I discovered this song in the middle of the umpteenth sleepless night during a 15-week bout of pertussis in 2015. God allowed me to worship with this song even though I was beyond exhausted and could barely breathe. It has always been close to my heart and I continue to play it on the piano.
“Let go, my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.”

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Questions

There are moments when I’m doing better today than yesterday. But I have so much tension, so many unanswered questions that I can’t seem to get off my mind. The swirling of the questions has caused an inability to think of anything else to write about, so I thought I should just ask them. Maybe it will encourage some good discussion with my readers. Feel free to share with me as you like.

  1. I have several unresolved issues on my mind (continuing/not continuing treatment, confronting people even though it might hurt them but could potentially heal me, etc). Regarding these issues, how do I know for sure if God wants me to do something? How do I know it’s not just my extreme fix-it urge and He wants me to wait instead? How can I ever trust myself to hear Him right?
  2. Rewards in heaven confuse me. Isn’t just being with Jesus enough? Why do we need to strive for rewards? And isn’t striving a bad thing? And if we’re not striving for rewards, what exactly is the purpose of this life? If the goal is to be with Jesus, why aren’t we just there automatically? This one bothers me a lot because if I don’t understand rewards, I can’t understand the purpose for my suffering. And if I can’t understand the purpose for my suffering, I can’t accept that it is working for my good. And if I can’t accept that it’s working for my good, I will always be angry with God.

I feel that I need these questions answered in order to have peace… but maybe God wants me to learn how to have peace in the tension, to rest with Him until He decides to answer them. I’m really struggling with being able to do that. Help me, God, to let go of the need to know!

“My Lord, I leave the infinite to You and ask You to put far from me a love for the tree of knowledge that would keep me from the tree of life.” – Charles Spurgeon

Song I’m feeling: You Have My Surrender, by Lauren Daigle
“Here are my hopes 
Here are my doubts
Here are the things that I can’t figure out
Here are my storms, my crashing seas
Here are the burdens that have brought me to my knees

And I will take You at Your unfailing word
More than all I want, I will seek You first
I will bless Your name when the night is long
God, You have my surrender
Here are my prayers, my heart will wait
And I will bow my will so You can have Your way
Here are the things I can’t undo
I am nothing, nothing without You”
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Not Guilty

I didn’t really want to write today, as I’ve been drawn to isolation the last couple days. But I know how badly it hurts to be silent. Literally. It’s usually the only time I have joint pain. But how do you go about telling anyone that you’re back down again… back where you never wanted to be… back where you feel like you’re drowning?

The little things are going wrong today, and I’m ashamed that they’re getting to me. We can’t make ends meet as it is and our HOA fees went up, my student loan payment almost tripled, I’m running out of medicine, yesterday I accidentally hung up on Jason while he was phoning me in to church so I missed most of it, for three nights in a row I have to muster up enough saliva to soak a massive chunk of cotton to test my cortisol, I can’t take the supplement that lowers my cortisol so I’m more anxious than usual, I had several episodes of sleep paralysis this morning, and just now as I put the recliner up, my wrist tendon actually got stuck so that I had to move it back into place with my other hand. OW.

These are mostly just little things, but they feel like big things because I was already down before any of them happened. After a pretty good week emotionally, I surprised myself by crumpling to the fetal position Saturday night. I had battled what felt like blood sugar drops all day. No matter how much I ate, I still felt like passing out. Dysautonomia is a cruel syndrome. There is a dysfunction in the Autonomic Nervous System, meaning that at any point, any of the functions my body is supposed to know how to do automatically (regulate blood pressure, heart rate, temperature, blood sugar, digestion, etc) could just stop working. I cannot tell you how fear-inducing that is. And my automatic response is to blame myself, to obsess over figuring out what I did wrong so that I can do it right next time. Maybe I ate too much starch, or drank too much coffee, or got out of the bed on the wrong side. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I’m doing absolutely everything right and I’m still debilitatingly sick. Part of this tendency to blame is my predisposition but I also had a doctor who constantly said “disease can’t live in a body without sugar”. Now I say to him, “bull CRAP”… but I still often see his face accompanying my health-guilt. I haven’t had a single bit of sugar, even natural sugar, in 2-3 months (I lost count) so there is no way my blood sugar should have been dropping. It’s ridiculous. And I can’t talk to any of my doctors about it because they don’t seem to understand dysautonomia. It’s terrifying not to be able to have anyone to turn to for help. I feel so very alone. I’m scared, and I’m angry, and I’m sad, and I’m guilty, and I want to let out a guttural SCREAM UNTIL SOMEONE FIXES ME!!!!!

Yesterday I was reading Fully Alive, by Susie Larson (just get used to me talking about this book because I’m not going to stop for awhile), and I read this out loud to Jason, “I’ve worked so hard to take care of myself. I take my vitamins, go to bed early, drink lots of water, exercise, and build margin into my schedule. I’m doing everything I know to do to stay healthy… I feel like I can’t win, no matter how hard I try.” Jason, who sadly has to witness many of my countless meltdowns said, “you literally just said that.”  Yes, yes I did. I’m listening, God.

And I continued to read, “you’re still afraid to let people down. You’re mad at yourself because you don’t want to disappoint.” Ugh, yeah. People are now invested in me. How am I supposed to face them if I don’t get better? It’s just best if I do this by myself. But deep down I know that’s not true. I ache with need. And I’m so ashamed every time I slide back down. I know that my depression disappoints and hurts people. And I hate myself for it. But that’s probably what Satan wants.

And then the shot between the eyes, “at some point you have to accept your limits and not berate yourself for the ways you need God in this season.” I find it so difficult to even let that sink in. Not berating myself? That’s just a foreign language to me. I pretty much need God to accomplish absolutely everything for me in this season. I’m not strong enough. And I’m ashamed. Why am I so ashamed to need God? This should be a season of blessing for me, of deep intimacy with God. And I’m wasting it with my guilt.

“Jesus broke through in a whisper with words that would forever change the way I walked with Him. He whispered to my soul, ‘Susie, I get that you love Me. But you don’t seem to understand that I love you. So from now on, until I tell you differently, every time you want to tell Me that you love Me, I want you to turn it around and say, ‘You love me, Lord.'” Susie says, “We don’t overcome insecurity by trying hard not to be insecure. We overcome insecurity when we’re undone by God’s unfathomable love.” I think the reason last week was so good in spite of my health was because I constantly invited God to love me. That was my focus. But somewhere over the last few days, my focus has shifted back to what people think of me… or as Jason so wisely pointed out, what I think of me. God, help me die to this!

“Where once I cared too much about what others thought of me, I eventually died to their opinions of me, and you know how God filled those vacancies in my soul? He imparted to me a deep, profound, compassionate love for others.” I want this so badly, and have been praying for it for many months now. I’m beyond tired of conditional, guilt-ridden ‘love’. I long for real love. And it has to start with dying to what I and other people think, and awakening to a deep understanding of Jesus’ love for me. He has already assigned a “not guilty” verdict to me forever. So, as I fret and obsess and try to fix, I pray God reminds me every single moment that the only thing that matters is that He loves me. “I do believe, help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).

Song I’m feeling: Who You Say I Am, by Hillsong

“Who am I that the highest King would welcome me?
I was lost but He brought me in
Oh, His love for me
Oh, His love for me

Who the Son sets free, Oh, is free indeed
I’m a child of God, Yes I am
Free at last, He has ransomed me
His grace runs deep
While I was a slave to sin, Jesus died for me”
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The Strength of My Heart

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

My in-laws invited us to lunch today and, even though I haven’t seen them in months, I just can’t do it. It’s not a food problem anymore because I simply wouldn’t eat, which is a non-issue for me now. But my sound and motion sensitivity wouldn’t be able to handle the commotion of the restaurant and I wouldn’t be able to sit unreclined for that long without becoming lightheaded. At times like these, I find myself heading down the road of “my so-called life”, as in, I don’t very often believe that I actually have one. I have an existence. There’s a lot of evidence to back me up on this, depending on your perspective. I can’t accompany my husband anywhere – church, grocery shopping, restaurants, etc. Talk about feeling like a failure. I can’t remember the last occasion I spent time socially with anyone besides Jason and my parents. I’m serious. I sat here for a long time trying to recall. I also can’t tell you the last time I’ve been to the other side of the parking lot because it’s too far away for the fainting potential. And the day you see me with a new haircut will be the day you know I had enough strength to sit upright long enough to let them do it. Until then, long live the ponytail. Sitting with these thoughts deeply depresses me. So I felt the need to share that these thoughts are not what have governed the last week of my life, and I’m fighting hard not to let them govern the week ahead.

Honestly, I had a pretty rough week health-wise. I felt awful most of the time and had quite a bit of toxin build-up. It would be easy for me to look back on this week and see only the failure of my flesh and heart. But I talk so much about the negative things that I needed to tell you that what I actually see when I look back on this week was one of the best weeks I’ve had in a very long time. My flesh and MY heart failed… but God was the strength of my heart and my portion. I wish that I could tell you about each precious moment from this week that I will hold dear in my heart forever, but I feel that they are too sacred to talk about. They belong to me and to God, and to the few people who shared in some of those moments. For a short but very blessed time, I felt happy. I can’t tell you the last time I was able to feel that emotion. I was physically miserable, but I was happy… and not for myself, but for someone else. How can this be?

I have been praying for a long time that God would awaken a pure love in me, and I believe He is answering that prayer. And this week I have opened a door to Jesus more fully than I have in a long time. I have constantly invited Him to love me, something that does not come the slightest bit easy for me. I have felt His presence as I’ve poured out my heart in complete honesty to Him. It was over four years ago that I wrote a song about my panic attacks, asking God to open me up, to break my seal in order to bring healing. But I think it has taken me this long to actually be almost ready for it. Maybe that’s why the panic has been unbelievable this week. God carried me through, and will continue to do so. Instead of tightening the lid on my heart, I’m untwisting it little by little, very slowly releasing some of the pressure and pain out into the world and into Jesus’ arms. I feel exposed, but exposure is necessary for healing. The overflow is happening, and I pray I don’t push it back down. I find it so beautiful that I’ve been asking Jesus to breathe for me this week, and then I was reminded of this song today, a song asking God to breathe new life into me. God is certainly replenishing me with Himself. How beautiful.

Even though the details are too holy to share with the whole world, I wanted you to share in my joy as I look back on a week with gratitude. My flesh continues to fail and my heart still hurts, but when I let God be the strength of my heart and my breath, I am overwhelmed with His goodness, and I can’t help but smile even in the pain. He is healing me.

Song I’m feeling: Replenish, gifted to me by God so many years ago, knowing how much He would bless me with it again today. What a beautiful Creator.

Lord, what is happening to me?
Sometimes I feel I can’t even breathe
Shaken to the core ’til I can shake no more
I close the lid on my heart

Won’t You come and break my seal?
Expose me so that I can heal
Anoint the altar of my shattered dreams
And replenish my supply with You

The question’s always, “how are you?”
Why can’t I tell them the truth?
A simple, “I’m just fine”, though I’m dying inside
Tightening the lid on my heart

Won’t You come and break my seal?
Expose me so that I can feel
Anoint the altar of my shattered dreams
And replenish my supply with You

Afraid to overflow, I keep pushing it down
My breath is running out as I start to drown
God, please pour me on the altar of my shattered dreams
Accept these broken pieces as my offering
Please breathe new life into me
And hold me in Your arms ’til I can shake no more
And replenish my supply with You

I am healed by only You

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‘Til Hope is Finally Louder than the Ache

I’ve been wanting to tell you about a song I heard for the first time several months ago and since today is ROUGH, it seems like a good time to share someone else’s words, as I cling to them with all my might. I feel just plain awful. It’s a bit difficult to explain but there is a difference between physical and emotional anxiety. The first sign of physical anxiety for me is pain in my mid-left back. I actually call it my “anxiety spot” because it never fails. Once the pain starts, in a matter of hours or a day, I am vibrating from the inside out. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’m trembling, my head is spinning, and I can’t relax even if I tried. My body just won’t do it. Over the years (ugh, YEARS), I’ve concluded that toxins must get hung up in that spot. Since I have exercise intolerance, I can’t do much to stimulate my lymph flow to clear out toxins well. So, I try to do some exercises and walk as much as my POTS will allow and I have Jason gently massage that spot in my back. If he does it not-so-gently, the panic nearly sends me through the roof. Nothing really works so I usually just have to ride it out. It feels like I won’t make it through! I cling and pray while my world kind of swirls around me.

A few months ago I stumbled upon a song by Alisa Turner, called Miracle or Not. I hope you will click that hyperlink to listen to it but I’m just going to type out all the words to make sure you read the beauty:

“How long will I have to hear the stories of how You were able?
How long will I have to celebrate a miracle that’s not my own?
How long will I lift my voice and sing again that You are always good
When I’m feeling all this distance I thought I never would?
How long?

As long as it takes for my heart to find its song
As long as it takes to know I’m still not alone
And at the end of the day, I’ll stand right here and say
I know that You love me, miracle or not

How long will I give myself before I give up waiting?
How long will I have to hide behind a smile that says that I’m ok?
How long will I hold onto the promises I thought I heard You speak
When every passing day just leaves me broken down and weak?

As long as it takes for my heart to find its song
As long as it takes to know I’m still not alone
And at the end of the day, I’ll stand right here and say
I know that You love me, miracle or not

I will sing it ’til my broken heart believes it
I’ll declare it ’til I smell the smoke of faith
And with my hands held high, I’ll scream it in the darkness
‘Til hope is finally louder than the ache.”

This song touches a place deeper in my heart than any song I’ve ever known. I had never even heard of the artist but I instantly knew she had Lyme disease. It’s amazing to me how your spirit sometimes just knows who its kindreds are. A quick search confirmed that she not only has Lyme, but a story that shattered my heart. I expected to be encouraged by listening to her story but I was surprised to feel anger. I found myself asking God how he could allow this woman not only to have a debilitating battle with Lyme, but take away her father, and allow her to get pregnant even though she was told she couldn’t conceive, only to lose the child soon after it was born. For awhile, I could not handle this story. But I kept looking at Alisa’s face and listening to her speak so passionately about Jesus and I thought there must be something I was missing.

And then I looked at the song lyrics. She sings everything I’ve said in the hidden places in my heart. How long, Lord? You’re able and good, so why do I feel so bad? Will I ever get my miracle? I only get weaker. I want to give up. I HAVE given up. She talks about feeling just exactly the way I feel in the videos I’ll share at the end.

I have been getting so upset with myself for giving up, for falling back down after a couple steps back up. But I’ve been trying to change my perspective to: yes, I fall down, but I always get back up. God helps me back up. He helps me say again, “As long as it takes, Lord. I know that You love me even if I don’t get my miracle.” And sometimes I really do scream it in the darkness, in the middle of the night on my knees desperately trying to believe. And I hold onto my favorite line, “’til hope is finally louder than the ache”. My aches scream at me daily and I look forward to the day when my hope screams louder. This song speaks and melts my heart.

Alisa says that in the seasons where the Lord seems quiet, we have to cling to what we already know about Him, that He loves us and never leaves us.  She talks about changing her prayer from “Lord, please open these doors” to “Lord, whatever door you open, I’ll walk.” That strikes me so powerfully because, yes, we pray for our miracle, but we also pray, “Your will be done”. And we know in our heart of hearts that wherever God wants us to walk is the most beautiful path possible. Because we know that He loves us, miracle or not.

Here is a link to Alisa’s story. Tissue warning:
Alisa Turner’s Story 

And here is a link to the song story, which is just beautiful. She talks about how she was so weak that day that she couldn’t write or sing and she had to let her friends carry her by writing this song. So many days, I have to lean on the faith and hope of my dear ones!! My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for those who hold me up when I’m not strong enough.
Miracle or Not Story

I hope this song encourages you. Much love!

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Fighting the Blaze of Fear

I’ve been overwhelmed with fear and panic this week. Nothing seems to calm me. I’ve taken 1/4 of an anxiety pill on three different days. If you know me and drugs, you know things have to be pretty bad for me to give in and put synthetic junk in my body. I usually only take a pill every few months or so.

I had an endocrinology appointment today and I had hoped to be released from their care so I can start taking the med my Cardiologist wants to try for POTS. This whole thing was supposed to be just a quick check-in with Endocrinology to find out why my cortisol was so high, but it’s turned into a six(ish)-month ordeal. Meanwhile, I’m just hanging out with insane POTS symptoms and not able to try anything that might help. So, I feared the appointment. I feared going without Jason. I feared messing with someone else’s schedule to give me a ride. I feared passing out on the way to the office, or waiting in the check-in line, or in front of everyone in the waiting room, or all by myself in the exam room. Basically, I have an irrational/rational fear of passing out anywhere now. I fear passing out alone because losing consciousness without someone with you is just scary. I fear passing out in front of anyone because of the embarrassment factor. I am afraid to be alone… and afraid to be with anyone. So. Much. Fear. And for whatever reason, it has reared its ugly head exponentially this week. I almost want my cortisol to still be high because that would explain why I feel so crazy-afraid.

Like I said before, I have the privilege of reading Susie Larson’s new book, Fully Alive, before it has even come out, and what a gift to my soul! This is one incredible, healing book and I’m only on Chapter 4. And, wouldn’t you know it, Chapter 3 was all about fear.

She says, “Without realizing it, I had put more weight on my ability to fall down than on God’s ability to hold me up.” This hits me in a literal sense. I have far too much faith in my ability to fall/pass out. But here’s my argument to her: I believe God has the ability to hold me up, but I don’t believe He necessarily WILL. So, what if I do pass out?

And she argues back to me, “Jesus knows the layers of your pain, hurts, and traumas. And He knows exactly how to unearth them without destroying you.” So, what if I pass out? It will not destroy me. I will survive. Even if I die I will not be destroyed, but given a new body. So, why the amped-up fear lately?

“He only allowed me to be stirred up because He had determined that it was time for me to be free.” Oh, Hallelujah, Amen! Let it be so!

“The closer we get to exposing and identifying our fears, the more it threatens the enemy’s claimed territory in our lives. How does he respond? He turns up the heat on our fears; he threatens exposure and terror because he’s the one who’s terrified at the thought of being exposed. His only power in our lives is the lie. So when the lie goes, so goes his access to us. Hang in there. You will win this battle.” This gives me so much encouragement. My fear of exposure has become absolutely debilitating. The thought of someone seeing me pass out, lose that kind of control, is nearly paralyzing. Someone might see my weakness, might see ME. I’ve been hiding from people for as long as I can remember, but God is slowly working on me to walk in the freedom He gave me. I believe that the fear I feel is the enemy’s fear. He knows that my freedom is coming soon and he is stoking the fear-fire to blazing. I am actually very comforted by this… if I could just hold on. Please, God, help me hold on!

“When you’re tempted to fear, turn your back on your fears and turn your eyes upon Jesus.” This morning, lying awake in the early hours, I tried desperately to picture the eyes of Jesus, full of compassion for me. I tried to let Him breathe for me, steady me. But the fear still raged. It’s discouraging… but I have to keep trying. The enemy wants me to quit fighting… and I have quit more times than I’d like to admit. But just like Elijah in 1 Kings 19, God keeps re-awakening the fight in me, lifting my head and giving me just enough strength to keep going. I don’t want to stop fighting just before I am free.

“What about your life threatens the enemy? Why is he worried about you being free? What might happen? Dream a little.” Oh my goodness, my heart leaps at this! I have sensed for a short time now that my freedom is coming soon. God is doing something bigger than I can imagine. The enemy knows it and is attacking my dreams and amping my fears. Why is he worried about my freedom? What is God going to do through me? I don’t know, but if the blaze of freedom matches the blaze of fear, I better dream BIG! I’m brought to my knees just thinking about it.

And by the way, before I close, Endocrinology did not release me like I hoped. They want yet another test. This time, saliva. My last saliva test was inconclusive because the sample wasn’t adequate. I have Sjogren’s mouth drier than a desert. What makes them think I can shove cotton in my mouth and produce anything? God, grant me the spit to make this happen so I can finally be done with this!! What a funny prayer to pray. Sometimes you just gotta laugh at life.

And, side note, two people have told me I’ve lost weight this week, one of them being my doctor so I guess I have to believe them, but really? Let me tell you what I’ve eaten today, and I am not making this up. I had my usual breakfast at 7:30ish: two small patties of homemade pork sausage, a handful of spinach, celery and almond butter. And I’m not even kidding you, at 9:30 I had a hamburger and green beans. And when I got home at 12:30 I had leftover hot chicken meatballs, baked potato “fries” and more green beans. I’ve had three meals today and it’s only 2:30! And I’m hungry again. How is this possible? I’m just over here living my ironic life. Laugh with me so I don’t cry. That’s it for me today, friends. Hello from my pooch and me.

Song I’m feeling: Fear is a Liar, by Zach Williams. The video gets me all weepy.
“Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear, he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear, he is a liar”

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