***Disclaimer: This is very dark so feel free to skip it if you need to. It’s hard for me to describe the darkness when I’m climbing out, and the climbing out when I’m in the darkness so it helps to force myself to write during all times. Hormones make POTS and depression much worse so for about a week, I have/will be barely hanging on by my fingertips. This may not be the actual truth, but it’s what feels like the truth at this moment. My husband knows how depressed I am, and we are counseling with one of our ministers tonight. I am safe. ***
“Oh Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.” – vs. 1-2
No one understands what it’s like to beg God for trust, all the while wondering if you’re even capable of it.
“For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength. I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.” – vs. 3-5
No one understands what it’s like to feel on the verge of death, to have no more strength to put one foot in front of the other, but to have relief never come. No one understands what it’s like to not know how to live anymore, but to have your body keep breathing anyway.
“You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.” – vs. 6-7
No one understands what it’s like to not be able to trust yourself. To have an illness that has so clouded your mind that you have no concept of reality. Most days, all you see is darkness.
“You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. ” – vs. 8
No one understands what it’s like to know that most of the people you trusted to be there for you are gone, or can’t handle you anymore, or are just waiting for you to get better… and you’re not getting better.
“I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief.” – vs. 9a
No one understands the guilt you feel, watching the hope in their eyes fade when you tell them that, yet again, their prayers have not been answered.
“I call to you, O Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you. Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you? Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction? Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?” – vs. 9b-12
No one understands what it’s like to be aware of how much you might need Western medicine, but to have your body reject it every time. To be afraid of medicine. To know that you are judged for not being able to handle it, even though you know your body more than anyone. No one understands what it’s like to know that the only One who can heal you is God, and He is not doing so.
“But I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me? From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death; I have suffered your terrors and am in despair. Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me. All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.” -vs. 13-17
No one understands what it’s like to feel so utterly alone, to know that no one else in this world can do anything to help you. To know that you need to work on suffering better, but not to know if your perception is real enough to work on it well. No one understands what it’s like to be afraid of yourself.
“You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.” -vs. 18
No one understands what it’s like to desperately need to talk but to not know for sure if anyone is willing to plunge into what seems like the pits of hell that is your mind. No one understands what it’s like to feel abandoned, yet not to blame anyone for the need to spare themselves from you. You wish you could spare yourself from you.
No one understands like Jesus.
“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” – Matthew 26:38
“Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?” – 26:40
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” – 27:46
No one understands what it’s like to be afraid to write this, knowing that it may hurt, knowing that it may be perceived as attention-seeking, and knowing that your ‘truth’ will probably look so much different tomorrow, perhaps even an hour from now.
No one understands except the psalmist and Jesus. And for that, I am grateful. I cling to that. And since they were brave enough to speak it, so will I.