I’ve been overwhelmed with fear and panic this week. Nothing seems to calm me. I’ve taken 1/4 of an anxiety pill on three different days. If you know me and drugs, you know things have to be pretty bad for me to give in and put synthetic junk in my body. I usually only take a pill every few months or so.
I had an endocrinology appointment today and I had hoped to be released from their care so I can start taking the med my Cardiologist wants to try for POTS. This whole thing was supposed to be just a quick check-in with Endocrinology to find out why my cortisol was so high, but it’s turned into a six(ish)-month ordeal. Meanwhile, I’m just hanging out with insane POTS symptoms and not able to try anything that might help. So, I feared the appointment. I feared going without Jason. I feared messing with someone else’s schedule to give me a ride. I feared passing out on the way to the office, or waiting in the check-in line, or in front of everyone in the waiting room, or all by myself in the exam room. Basically, I have an irrational/rational fear of passing out anywhere now. I fear passing out alone because losing consciousness without someone with you is just scary. I fear passing out in front of anyone because of the embarrassment factor. I am afraid to be alone… and afraid to be with anyone. So. Much. Fear. And for whatever reason, it has reared its ugly head exponentially this week. I almost want my cortisol to still be high because that would explain why I feel so crazy-afraid.
Like I said before, I have the privilege of reading Susie Larson’s new book, Fully Alive, before it has even come out, and what a gift to my soul! This is one incredible, healing book and I’m only on Chapter 4. And, wouldn’t you know it, Chapter 3 was all about fear.
She says, “Without realizing it, I had put more weight on my ability to fall down than on God’s ability to hold me up.” This hits me in a literal sense. I have far too much faith in my ability to fall/pass out. But here’s my argument to her: I believe God has the ability to hold me up, but I don’t believe He necessarily WILL. So, what if I do pass out?
And she argues back to me, “Jesus knows the layers of your pain, hurts, and traumas. And He knows exactly how to unearth them without destroying you.” So, what if I pass out? It will not destroy me. I will survive. Even if I die I will not be destroyed, but given a new body. So, why the amped-up fear lately?
“He only allowed me to be stirred up because He had determined that it was time for me to be free.” Oh, Hallelujah, Amen! Let it be so!
“The closer we get to exposing and identifying our fears, the more it threatens the enemy’s claimed territory in our lives. How does he respond? He turns up the heat on our fears; he threatens exposure and terror because he’s the one who’s terrified at the thought of being exposed. His only power in our lives is the lie. So when the lie goes, so goes his access to us. Hang in there. You will win this battle.” This gives me so much encouragement. My fear of exposure has become absolutely debilitating. The thought of someone seeing me pass out, lose that kind of control, is nearly paralyzing. Someone might see my weakness, might see ME. I’ve been hiding from people for as long as I can remember, but God is slowly working on me to walk in the freedom He gave me. I believe that the fear I feel is the enemy’s fear. He knows that my freedom is coming soon and he is stoking the fear-fire to blazing. I am actually very comforted by this… if I could just hold on. Please, God, help me hold on!
“When you’re tempted to fear, turn your back on your fears and turn your eyes upon Jesus.” This morning, lying awake in the early hours, I tried desperately to picture the eyes of Jesus, full of compassion for me. I tried to let Him breathe for me, steady me. But the fear still raged. It’s discouraging… but I have to keep trying. The enemy wants me to quit fighting… and I have quit more times than I’d like to admit. But just like Elijah in 1 Kings 19, God keeps re-awakening the fight in me, lifting my head and giving me just enough strength to keep going. I don’t want to stop fighting just before I am free.
“What about your life threatens the enemy? Why is he worried about you being free? What might happen? Dream a little.” Oh my goodness, my heart leaps at this! I have sensed for a short time now that my freedom is coming soon. God is doing something bigger than I can imagine. The enemy knows it and is attacking my dreams and amping my fears. Why is he worried about my freedom? What is God going to do through me? I don’t know, but if the blaze of freedom matches the blaze of fear, I better dream BIG! I’m brought to my knees just thinking about it.
And by the way, before I close, Endocrinology did not release me like I hoped. They want yet another test. This time, saliva. My last saliva test was inconclusive because the sample wasn’t adequate. I have Sjogren’s mouth drier than a desert. What makes them think I can shove cotton in my mouth and produce anything? God, grant me the spit to make this happen so I can finally be done with this!! What a funny prayer to pray. Sometimes you just gotta laugh at life.
And, side note, two people have told me I’ve lost weight this week, one of them being my doctor so I guess I have to believe them, but really? Let me tell you what I’ve eaten today, and I am not making this up. I had my usual breakfast at 7:30ish: two small patties of homemade pork sausage, a handful of spinach, celery and almond butter. And I’m not even kidding you, at 9:30 I had a hamburger and green beans. And when I got home at 12:30 I had leftover hot chicken meatballs, baked potato “fries” and more green beans. I’ve had three meals today and it’s only 2:30! And I’m hungry again. How is this possible? I’m just over here living my ironic life. Laugh with me so I don’t cry. That’s it for me today, friends. Hello from my pooch and me.
Song I’m feeling: Fear is a Liar, by Zach Williams. The video gets me all weepy.
“Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear, he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear, he is a liar”