‘Til Hope is Finally Louder than the Ache

I’ve been wanting to tell you about a song I heard for the first time several months ago and since today is ROUGH, it seems like a good time to share someone else’s words, as I cling to them with all my might. I feel just plain awful. It’s a bit difficult to explain but there is a difference between physical and emotional anxiety. The first sign of physical anxiety for me is pain in my mid-left back. I actually call it my “anxiety spot” because it never fails. Once the pain starts, in a matter of hours or a day, I am vibrating from the inside out. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’m trembling, my head is spinning, and I can’t relax even if I tried. My body just won’t do it. Over the years (ugh, YEARS), I’ve concluded that toxins must get hung up in that spot. Since I have exercise intolerance, I can’t do much to stimulate my lymph flow to clear out toxins well. So, I try to do some exercises and walk as much as my POTS will allow and I have Jason gently massage that spot in my back. If he does it not-so-gently, the panic nearly sends me through the roof. Nothing really works so I usually just have to ride it out. It feels like I won’t make it through! I cling and pray while my world kind of swirls around me.

A few months ago I stumbled upon a song by Alisa Turner, called Miracle or Not. I hope you will click that hyperlink to listen to it but I’m just going to type out all the words to make sure you read the beauty:

“How long will I have to hear the stories of how You were able?
How long will I have to celebrate a miracle that’s not my own?
How long will I lift my voice and sing again that You are always good
When I’m feeling all this distance I thought I never would?
How long?

As long as it takes for my heart to find its song
As long as it takes to know I’m still not alone
And at the end of the day, I’ll stand right here and say
I know that You love me, miracle or not

How long will I give myself before I give up waiting?
How long will I have to hide behind a smile that says that I’m ok?
How long will I hold onto the promises I thought I heard You speak
When every passing day just leaves me broken down and weak?

As long as it takes for my heart to find its song
As long as it takes to know I’m still not alone
And at the end of the day, I’ll stand right here and say
I know that You love me, miracle or not

I will sing it ’til my broken heart believes it
I’ll declare it ’til I smell the smoke of faith
And with my hands held high, I’ll scream it in the darkness
‘Til hope is finally louder than the ache.”

This song touches a place deeper in my heart than any song I’ve ever known. I had never even heard of the artist but I instantly knew she had Lyme disease. It’s amazing to me how your spirit sometimes just knows who its kindreds are. A quick search confirmed that she not only has Lyme, but a story that shattered my heart. I expected to be encouraged by listening to her story but I was surprised to feel anger. I found myself asking God how he could allow this woman not only to have a debilitating battle with Lyme, but take away her father, and allow her to get pregnant even though she was told she couldn’t conceive, only to lose the child soon after it was born. For awhile, I could not handle this story. But I kept looking at Alisa’s face and listening to her speak so passionately about Jesus and I thought there must be something I was missing.

And then I looked at the song lyrics. She sings everything I’ve said in the hidden places in my heart. How long, Lord? You’re able and good, so why do I feel so bad? Will I ever get my miracle? I only get weaker. I want to give up. I HAVE given up. She talks about feeling just exactly the way I feel in the videos I’ll share at the end.

I have been getting so upset with myself for giving up, for falling back down after a couple steps back up. But I’ve been trying to change my perspective to: yes, I fall down, but I always get back up. God helps me back up. He helps me say again, “As long as it takes, Lord. I know that You love me even if I don’t get my miracle.” And sometimes I really do scream it in the darkness, in the middle of the night on my knees desperately trying to believe. And I hold onto my favorite line, “’til hope is finally louder than the ache”. My aches scream at me daily and I look forward to the day when my hope screams louder. This song speaks and melts my heart.

Alisa says that in the seasons where the Lord seems quiet, we have to cling to what we already know about Him, that He loves us and never leaves us.  She talks about changing her prayer from “Lord, please open these doors” to “Lord, whatever door you open, I’ll walk.” That strikes me so powerfully because, yes, we pray for our miracle, but we also pray, “Your will be done”. And we know in our heart of hearts that wherever God wants us to walk is the most beautiful path possible. Because we know that He loves us, miracle or not.

Here is a link to Alisa’s story. Tissue warning:
Alisa Turner’s Story 

And here is a link to the song story, which is just beautiful. She talks about how she was so weak that day that she couldn’t write or sing and she had to let her friends carry her by writing this song. So many days, I have to lean on the faith and hope of my dear ones!! My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for those who hold me up when I’m not strong enough.
Miracle or Not Story

I hope this song encourages you. Much love!

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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

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