There are moments when I’m doing better today than yesterday. But I have so much tension, so many unanswered questions that I can’t seem to get off my mind. The swirling of the questions has caused an inability to think of anything else to write about, so I thought I should just ask them. Maybe it will encourage some good discussion with my readers. Feel free to share with me as you like.

  1. I have several unresolved issues on my mind (continuing/not continuing treatment, confronting people even though it might hurt them but could potentially heal me, etc). Regarding these issues, how do I know for sure if God wants me to do something? How do I know it’s not just my extreme fix-it urge and He wants me to wait instead? How can I ever trust myself to hear Him right?
  2. Rewards in heaven confuse me. Isn’t just being with Jesus enough? Why do we need to strive for rewards? And isn’t striving a bad thing? And if we’re not striving for rewards, what exactly is the purpose of this life? If the goal is to be with Jesus, why aren’t we just there automatically? This one bothers me a lot because if I don’t understand rewards, I can’t understand the purpose for my suffering. And if I can’t understand the purpose for my suffering, I can’t accept that it is working for my good. And if I can’t accept that it’s working for my good, I will always be angry with God.

I feel that I need these questions answered in order to have peace… but maybe God wants me to learn how to have peace in the tension, to rest with Him until He decides to answer them. I’m really struggling with being able to do that. Help me, God, to let go of the need to know!

“My Lord, I leave the infinite to You and ask You to put far from me a love for the tree of knowledge that would keep me from the tree of life.” – Charles Spurgeon

Song I’m feeling: You Have My Surrender, by Lauren Daigle
“Here are my hopesĀ 
Here are my doubts
Here are the things that I can’t figure out
Here are my storms, my crashing seas
Here are the burdens that have brought me to my knees

And I will take You at Your unfailing word
More than all I want, I will seek You first
I will bless Your name when the night is long
God, You have my surrender
Here are my prayers, my heart will wait
And I will bow my will so You can have Your way
Here are the things I can’t undo
I am nothing, nothing without You”
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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

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