It’s been a few days since I last posted but those few days were not necessarily a ‘break’. They were more of a plunge into despair. I stopped talking to everyone. Well, I tried. Some were graciously persistent (love you more than you’ll ever understand). To be honest, I’m having a hard time getting back up. I’m so tired of this. The higher I get, the harder I fall so why should I even try anymore? The crash hurts far too much. It hurts me and it hurts other people, and that’s the part I can’t get past. I have to protect people from me and me from them. I have to let them go.
It’s hard for me to describe but I think I’ve found some words that come close. I almost always have tension in my body and feel ‘curled-up’ on the inside. When I am in my worst states, I actually do curl up into a ball. I try not to even let Jason hug me because I think I don’t deserve it. I’ve caused people harm or I can’t forgive, so I don’t get to be comforted or forgiven. That’s my logic. For whatever reason this morning I reminded myself of a pill bug. Yeah, not exactly something I want to relate to. I. Am. So. Weird… but we’re going with it. Pill bugs curl into a ball when they are pressured or threatened by a predator. They protect themselves, just like I’m protecting myself.
And, because I’m so into metaphors, I did a bit of research on the pill bug (just using Wikipedia because, who really needs to know that much about pill bugs?) “Pill bugs contribute to their ecosystem as decomposers.” Ouch. Lovely. But it may be true. I believe I’ve sucked the life out of my existence and have eroded my relationships so much so that they’ll never be the same. It’s not all my fault, but I take the blame quite well… and curl up tighter. During the plunges, I believe that I’ve broken down my life to the extent that it’s completely rotten. There is nothing good in me. I’m a disappearing pile of rot, not disappearing fast enough. I hate even saying this ‘out loud’ because it’s embarrassing. I KNOW I am doing this… but I can’t stop. Another tally in the hating myself column.
I was not created as a pill bug. Seriously, Karina, STOP IT. I was created for God to protect. He didn’t need to form a shell on my back, so I need to stop forming one myself. I was created for affection and hugs and allowing other people to comfort me. I was created to uplift, not to tear down. I was created for love and all the things that go with it- forgiveness, reaching out, not holding back. I was created with grace but I just can’t seem to give it out, especially to myself. I was created for hope, not despair. I was created to “love my neighbor as myself” (Mark 12:31), but that’s not saying much if I hate myself.
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you." - Psalm 5:11
I crave that refuge, joy, love, and protection but right now it feels so elusive. I don’t know how to get out of this. It feels far too hard and vulnerable and I’m terrified of the back-swing. It’s too familiar to me and I want to break the cycle. I want to stay down because it’s easier than getting knocked down. This all may be exacerbated by my broken Lyme brain, as some like to point out to me, but I don’t want to use that as an excuse not to take responsibility. It’s SO HARD to trust my own brain when it seems to be completely out of control. Well, it’s controlled… but by Lyme and/or Satan and I’ve run with that. I have a very hard time deciphering what is real and what is not, what is truth and what are lies. It’s difficult not to just throw my hands up and give up. I can’t trust myself… and no one else should trust me. I pray that one day God helps me break the cycle by holding me up… or helping me fall on Him. I pray that I uncurl and shed my shell, even just little by little. I feel as if my life is decomposed irreparably. But I KNOW that’s not true. I KNOW Satan doesn’t win. I KNOW nothing is impossible with God. I KNOW I should trust Him especially when I can’t trust myself. I KNOW He is the greatest Builder and Repairer of hearts. I just have to believe it. Again I say- almost, kind of, maybe, not really feeling it- “I do believe. Help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24). Help me, God, to die to the life of a pill bug!!
Song I’m feeling: Great Are You, Lord, by God and me. I cannot get this song out of my head today so there must be a reason He called it to mind.
Lord, I kneel in the dark and pray
Where are You now?
And though I can’t tell if You’re listening
I still bow
Because Lord, I became Yours a long time ago
Though I pull away
And Lord, I am still Yours because of Your grace
You won’t let me stray
Great are You Lord
And Your power is never-ending
Great are You Lord
So I will ever praise Your name
Lord, I fight for control of my heart
I am so afraid
That maybe I’ll fall completely apart
But I fall on grace
Lord, I know You will build me up
So I lay it down
And Lord, I surrender to Your will
Where peace is found
Oh, my Lord, I’m afraid to let them fall
But the pieces of my heart fall to the safest Place of all
So Lord, Your will be done.