My Beloved

Hold onto your hats, folks. It’s about to get real sappy up in here. Five years ago today, Jason and I said, “I do”. Five years of beautiful marriage. Five years of my Beloved being Jesus to me. Five years of unconditional love.

If you knew me pre-Jason, you know how completely jaded I was about love. I would make rude gagging noises if I saw any form of affection. Yeah, I’ve apologized before but I’m apologizing again to those in whose direction I gagged. I wonder if I was mostly just trying not to be disappointed if love didn’t happen for me. My friends joked that I would end up with the sappiest man alive and they were pretty much right. On occasion, I have called him Hallmark. God knew my heart needed to change. He has used Jason to teach me a pure love. He has softened me like you wouldn’t believe. From gagging to gaga! Oh dear. Yes, I just said that.

Since we can’t go anywhere to celebrate, I’ve been trying to make the house as nice as my stamina will allow. Our plans are to try a new recipe for dinner at home, play a couple card games if we’re not too tired, and dance to our song in the living room. It’s hard for me not to feel like I’ve made Jason’s life so small but I know what he would say. It’s not small at all, but indescribably deep. Suffering together for five years has grown us in ways that would never have been possible otherwise. We exchanged gifts this morning and, because it is our wooden anniversary, Jason gave me the word “home”. He quite often calls me his home. Beautiful. I never feel as safe as when I am with him. We are each other’s home away from our heavenly home. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine (Song of Solomon 6:3).

I’m struggling to come up with adequate words so what I wrote last year just about covers it:

You must have promised to look at me as if I hung the moon.
You must have promised to provide for me when I have nothing to give.
You must have promised to kiss me goodbye every morning.
You must have promised to cook for me when I can’t, or simply because you want to.
You must have promised to smile every time you look at me.
You must have promised to spoil me, anticipating my needs and wants.
You must have promised to sacrifice some of your desires in life because you have me and you say that’s enough.
You must have promised to be my best friend forever.
You must have promised to help me incessantly analyze the world and everything in it.
You must have promised the utmost patience in return for the utmost irrational.
You must have promised to be the best and most constant caregiver.
You must have promised to hold me when I fall apart, even if I just fell apart five minutes ago.
You must have promised to be terrible at surprises because you’re just too excited to make me happy.
You must have promised to save me from all crawling things.
You must have promised to get up early on Saturdays to grocery shop before I even leave the bed.
You must have promised to be my counselor.
You must have promised to speak for me when my words fail.
You must have promised to tell me silly jokes just because you like to hear me laugh.
You must have promised to allow me to be wholly myself.
You must have promised to take my concern (ahem, nagging) in good stride.
You must have promised to offer a listening ear every single day.
You must have promised to literally hold me upright when I can’t hold myself.
You must have promised to hold my hand when we pray.
You must have promised to never get tired of holding me.
You must have promised to never think of anything else but me, ever.
You must have promised to dream for me.
You must have promised to live for me.
You must have promised to believe in me.
You must have promised to exceed my wildest dreams.
You must have promised to continuously fill my heart to overflowing.
Those few simple vows five years ago this day must have held more beautiful promises than I could ever have imagined. And you never break a single one. God has gifted me with a miracle. I knew it then and I know it even more now. I am beyond blessed to walk with you…to be carried by you through this life. I love you, My Beloved.

And if you haven’t had enough sap yet, check out my post from a few years ago on Chronic Illness and Marriage. It’s still to date my most popular post, attracting people I don’t even know! Jason, thank you for marrying me!

Photo Credit: Kara faith Photography

Song I’m feeling: It has to be none other than Hold You Up, by Matthew West. When we chose this song for our first dance, we could have never known how prophetic it would be. Listen to the words and you will see why. That link is the video of our first dance. <3

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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

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