How long?

I’m writing this from my phone so it probably won’t be very long. Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m writing today except that it’s been awhile and I’m hoping it will be a tiny bit therapeutic.

I’ve had the flu for 6 days. Unbelievable. I haven’t left the house in 10 days and somehow I’ve managed to catch my death of flu. I’m not sure I’ve been this sick in my life. And with that flu has come intense pain from the top of my head to my toes. It’s lasted so long that I’m starting to wonder if I’m finally experiencing the Lyme pain most people have. I feel awful for those people and don’t understand how they do it. It is the WORST. I’ve taken enough painkiller to kill my liver and it still doesn’t touch the pain. I’m growing weaker by the moment, hence why I can’t sit up and use the laptop.

I’m sorry for just spewing my woes but here is the question in my mind. How can God see this and not know that I truly can’t take anymore? I’m too weak and heartbroken for different reasons. How can He see that I can’t possibly go on? These are questions I quite frequently have so they’re nothing new. It’s just that now I have the pain to back me up and tempt me to believe that God doesn’t care.

It’s not true. It’s a lie from Satan and I know that. But believing that God can see this, expect me to go on, and still love me is a challenge. I hurt so bad in every possible way so I just keep crying out to Him. I know He hears me so I keep crying. I wish He would heal, but there must be some reason He hasn’t. I lie here trying to meditate past the pain and into His arms. I am so grateful He is here with me.

“Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Among the dead no one proclaims your name. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.”- Psalm 6:2-7

Strengthen my eyes, Lord. Help me see how You are working. Help me see You so much more clearly than the pain. And while I continue to cry, “how long?”, help me trust You. I wait for You. Amen.

Song I’m feeling: I Wait For You, by God and me.

God, remember when
You said you’d lift my head
Well, I’m bowed to the ground
In wait for you
God, you promised good
As only you could
Oh but God, where are you now?
I wait for you.

How long will I wait?
How much more can I take?
Oh God, do you hear my cries?
Oh God, help me lift my eyes
I wait for you.

God, you said you’d fight
If I would just hold tight
Well, my strength is wearing thin
I wait for you
God, you said you’d be
A shield around me
But I’m bruised and broken down
I wait for you.

How long will I wait?
How much more can I take?
Oh God, do you hear my cries?
Oh God, help me lift my eyes
I wait for you.

God, I do believe
That you’re still holding me
And this desert path I walk
I walk with you
God, until the day
You reveal to me your ways
I will thank you for the gift
Of waiting for you.

There’s beauty in the wait
So I will give you praise
Oh God, you will be my strength
Through the land of suffering
I will count all the blessings
And know that there’s meaning
In waiting for you.

Oh God, I know you hear my cries
Oh God, help me lift my eyes
While I wait for you.

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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

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