I have three more days of treatment with Dr. Sunshine next week. I’ve been a little torn about making a big deal of it like last time because I don’t know if I can handle crushing your excited faces when you think I’ve been healed and the next time I see you, I’m not. It nearly broke my heart each time. Treatment was also a pretty traumatic experience. I wanted to cancel the appointments next week but Jason was having none of that nonsense and we couldn’t get our money back from the Airbnb so, there’s that. I’m glad I get to go away with my husband. In five and a half years of marriage we’ve spent a weekend at his cousin’s lake house for our honeymoon, we’ve stayed in his parents’ cabins once, we’ve gone to visit family, and he stayed one day with me during my last treatment. That’s it. I wish there were a little fewer doctor visits and a little more beach, but at least it’s something.
Prior to my last treatment, I had such a great attitude and I let myself hope. I opened up to healing more than I have in the past. I was so ready. And the relief only lasted a week, if I’m being generous. This time my attitude is vastly different. I have very little hope for long-term health and I know that if I don’t believe in the treatment, it certainly won’t work. But, dear readers, one cannot simply make oneself hope. If it were that easy, I promise I would do it. I have tried, but it’s no use. I just have to rely on the Holy Spirit to hope in me and on the hope that all of you have for me. That’s ultimately why I decided to even tell you about next week. That and my very strong belief in honesty as one of the most powerful healing tools. So, thank you for hoping on my behalf. I do continue to pray for hope and I pray even for the desire to hope. “Holy Spirit, You are welcome here.”
Last time I chose Habakkuk 3:19 to keep me focused and grounded throughout treatment and that verse is still very present in my mind and heart. But I have been praying for God to lead me to another verse this time. I believe He gave me a passage this morning:
"I saw the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope" (Acts 2:25-26).
MY BODY ALSO WILL LIVE IN HOPE. Those words burst off the page and straight to my heart. The passage is about Jesus’ body not seeing decay but also about hope for our own glorified bodies. One day our bodies will shed every malfunction and will be perfected, the way God intended from the beginning. I hope for that day. But I pray that my hope lives for today as well.
This passage is the same as in Psalm 16, but the wording in Acts touched my heart. I love the prior verse, Psalm 16:7 that says, “I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.” Even in the darkness, maybe even because of the darkness, I can hear Him speaking clearer to me. He counsels my broken and hope-weary heart. I live in hope to hear His voice, even if health never comes in this life.
God goes before me and stands beside me (Psalm 16:8). My faith was not shaken last time and it will not be shaken this time. There was a time when my faith would have faltered, but I am so thankful that I have learned to run toward God instead of away from Him in hurt and anger when my hope is crushed. He makes my heart glad and brings praise to my lips (Psalm 16:9) and I pray He also brings living hope to my body. In Psalm 16 the wording is, “my body will also rest secure.” Even in brokenness, my body can rest in the hope of its eventual revival.
“… you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:10-11). God will never abandon us because of Jesus. Because Jesus lives, we can live. We follow Him down the path to life. Nothing here on earth is as wonderful as His presence, and we have the hope of eternal pleasures because He holds us in the same hand as those pleasures. Someone once said, “The more aware I become of God’s presence with me now, the more I hope for heaven, and not in my usual trying-to-escape way. I hope for heaven because I want to see Jesus face to face. Experiencing God now has led me to a greater hope in heaven. Being with Him has become more important to me than health and sentiment. What could be more healing than the presence of God?” Okay, it was me.. haha. I said it. You (and I) really should read the post I wrote on hope again… so click here.
I hope to experience God next week, no matter what else happens. I pray He brightens my spirit with a hope that is alive and coursing through my veins. “No amount of disappointment after hope can ever be worse than feeling… your spirit darken without it.” Wow, that girl really knows what she’s talking about. 😉
So, next week we leap again in the strength of God. We pray for His counsel in the darkness and His hope everlasting. We rejoice in the presence of God always with us and pray that God will take my right hand so that my body will always LIVE IN HOPE.
Song I’m feeling: Living Hope, by Phil Wickham:
“In desperation, I turned to heaven
And spoke Your name into the night
Then through the darkness, Your loving-kindness
Tore through the shadows of my soul
The work is ﬁnished, the end is written
Jesus Christ, my living hope.”
God, in desperation I speak the name of Jesus into my doubt and disappointment. Bring light to the shadows of my brokenness. I know Your work is already finished. And the end is YOU. Hallelujah. Amen.