Jesus Will Carry Us Both

“When you’re tired, I will carry you. When I’m tired, Jesus will carry us both.”

Those are the words you said to me early in our relationship. I knew I loved you then and I love you more now. You said those same words to me in your vows on our wedding day and again when we danced to the song that has become ours, Hold You Up, by Matthew West. In this moment so shortly after we married, we had no idea how real that song would become to our life together. Our world was truly about to become a war that never ended.

You have given up so much in your life, things that need not be mentioned because you and I both know what they are, but the loss has cut deeply. You have always said that it’s all okay because you have me and that’s enough. You have held me up so beautifully through almost six years of marriage. You have clung to hope when I lost mine. You have had faith for both of us. But I know it has taken a toll. And when we finally allowed ourselves to believe that one of the reasons I might not be getting better is because you are bringing illnesses home to me that my exhausted body can’t fight off, I watched the last of the light fade from your eyes. It shattered my heart once again. I know you have tried so hard. Life is just. so. hard.

I’ve been fairly certain for quite some time that I have given you Lyme. Most people don’t realize that it’s not uncommon or difficult for it to pass through entire families. We didn’t know that until it was too late. But guilt is a powerful thing, isn’t it? One of Satan’s favorite tools. Just as you wish you could stop bringing illnesses to me, the knowledge that I brought Lyme to you has the potential to curl me into a fetal position until there are no tears left. I am so sorry. Sometimes I can hardly breathe with the weight. How my heart hurts. Our hearts hurt together.

But here is what I want us both to know, dear husband…

  1. We did not do this to each other. We may have been ignorant of the consequences of certain aspects of our life together but I wouldn’t change them. Lyme and all the other evils floating around in our bodies entered the world with sin and, as hard has it is for us to lay down our guilt, we have to do it every second of every day for the rest of our lives. Otherwise, we let Satan have too much power. There is no condemnation. God said it. That means it’s true. We are not guilty.
  2. God did not do this. During those moments we’re able to believe that we are not guilty, it will be tempting to blame God. Just as no one could tell me otherwise when I was angry with God, I know that my telling you won’t help you believe, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I want so badly to pull your heart quickly past all the looming darkness but I know I have to let you go through it. You held my hand as we walked through my darkness together and I will hold your hand wherever we go from here. God loves us both so much and he loves our marriage. I will never stop thanking Him for the gift that you are to me. And I will never stop praying for Him to pursue you through the thick fog just as He never stopped pursuing me. What a gracious God. I promise that if we cling to Him, our relationship with Him will be unbelievably more beautiful on the other side.
  3. We have not failed. When I look back at our lives together I see a constant fight to keep me alive. We have done everything we know to do and it is tempting to think that we failed. We have not failed. Maybe we need to stop trying so hard. God fought for me and He will fight for you. We both need to let go and allow Him to do so.
  4. The fight for your health will not be easy but, in my experience, nothing of value ever is. You know how difficult this illness has been for me but if you asked me if I would go back and not have to go through it, I would say no. I’d love for it to be over right about now but that’s not up to me. The beauty I have gained and the lasting impact of what truly matters is far too precious to give up. If my illness never existed, many aspects of my life that have eternal value would never exist either. This will not be easy for you and it will be agony for me watching you go through it. Fixers such as you and me could be tied in constant knots if we’re not careful. I don’t know how you’ve handled my illness thus far without giving up but I can’t thank you enough for hanging on. Your strength means more to me than I can put into words. I promise that I will never leave your side as long as I live. What you go through, I go through. Let me hold your hand.
  5. You don’t have to carry me anymore. Thank you, my love. Thank you for the many ways you have carried me over the past six years. Your burden has been unbearable. I cannot imagine. I’ve prayed countless times for God to be your strength and I know that He has. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been able to shoulder the weight. But you don’t have to anymore and, honestly, that may be the hardest thing for you to give up. But it’s time for you to let Jesus carry us both. His shoulders are stronger. You can rest now.
  6. You are worth the effort it takes to heal. Neither one of us have ever thought very highly of ourselves. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that God’s opinion of me matters so much more than anyone else’s opinion, including my own. Do you know how much He loves you? No really, do you KNOW how VERY MUCH He LOVES you? I pray He shows you in the most beautiful of ways- through the comfort of His arms at the most unexpected times, through a word you needed to hear spoken by one of His people, through an acute awareness of the strength of the Holy Spirit living inside of you. He loves you enough to choose you, to carry you, to live in you, to delight in you. And if He says you are worthy of healing, it is the truest thing I could say at this moment. The grueling effort of taking care of ourselves even when we find it nearly impossible is so worth it. Your health is worth it. Your future is worth it. You are worth it. We are worth it. I pray you open your heart to believe it.
  7. As our dear friend told me while she hugged me tight: Satan does not win. He doesn’t. Period. God already won and the work is already finished. This trial may not feel good or finished but God has promised that He will never stop working in our lives. He will never leave us. Satan has been defeated and he knows it so he works extra hard to pull us away from God, sabotage our ministry, and kill our self-worth. But he has already lost the war. Don’t let him win the battles. I’m fighting with you and God is fighting for you.

Just as we have always done, we will walk through this together. As we near our sixth anniversary, it’s hard to believe but I am more in love with you now than I was on our wedding day. My illness has brought us closer and I pray that yours will do the same. We meant what we said, “in sickness and in health.” While I often wish we didn’t have to mean that so literally, I have to believe in the depths of my heart that we will look back on our lives with gratitude for the ways God sustained us. Yes, there will be times we fall to the ground in exhaustion, choking on the “why”, but I pray that in those times we will open our eyes to the ways God is moving. There will be many moments we beg God for respite, a break for our weary bodies and hearts. But I know sometimes it’s better to have breakthroughs and deeper healing than it is to have breaks. God knows what He is doing far better than we do so I hope and pray that we will never stop clinging to Him. Our hearts are broken together and I believe they will heal together. I love you, my beloved. You will always be my miracle.

Hold You Up – Matthew West
“Love is the blessing
Love is the vow,
Love is the reason we’re standing here now.
The future before us,
Tomorrow’s untold.
But love is the promise that whatever it holds

I will hold you
I will hold you up
I will hold you
I will hold you up

So give me your bad days
Give me your fear
Bring all of your burdens
And just lay ’em down here
‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you
When your world becomes a war
I’m staying in the trenches
‘Cause you’re worth fighting for

Yes, I will hold you
I will hold you up
I will hold you
I will hold you up

And I will hold you up in victory
Watch your light outshine the stars
When you’re breaking down and weary
Just be weary in my arms

There will be trials
There will be tests
As hard as I’m trying for you
I’m human at best
But baby don’t worry
If you should start to fall
Just cling to the One Love
That’s bigger than us all

He will hold you
He will hold you up
I know that He will hold you
He will hold you
He will hold you up
And He will hold you
I know, I know, I know
He will hold you up”

Like what you see? Share it!

Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *