God, there are a lot of things I don’t understand about You.
I conclude my wonderings with, “You’re God and I’m not.”
I wish that was always enough for me, and sometimes it is. But other times…
I question. I doubt. The lowest of times find me hurt, angry, and wondering where I can find some sort of point to anything.
From my bed of suffering, I watch the fireflies out my window glittering up the night and I think…
What a special grace.
Is there a point to suffering?
Is there a point to fireflies?
I think maybe there is.
Creating a light in the tail end of a bug is one thing. Making it one of life’s most beautiful gifts is downright funny.
Do You laugh when You watch Your children delight in bug butts?
I may not light up but I have to believe that You do in the moments I scoot up closer to hear Your heartbeat.
Do You delight in my sufferings? No. But if bug behinds can count as worship then my weary, nonsensical ramblings can too. I sure appreciate that.
I don’t understand You, but I see the fireflies and I think…
You must have the best sense of humor.
In fact, it stands to reason that You have the best of everything.
You’re God. We’re just a reflection and image of You.
I think of the person who makes people belly laugh until breathless, the one with the best sense of humor and I think…
How amazing that Yours is better.
I think of the person who instantly makes people feel safe and welcome, the one with the most compassion and I think…
You have even more.
I think of the biggest heart and suddenly I realize…
Yours is bigger.
So that must mean that Yours breaks bigger. Loving bigger means breaking harder, right?
How can You stand it?
Doesn’t Your heart shatter when You see this place?
How can You stand to love us with Your broken heart?
Because Your love is bigger.
Your love is perfect.
Perfect love casts out fear.
You are not afraid of a broken heart if it means You get to love.
I can’t imagine a more extravagant love than One that turns suffering into beauty and makes bug behinds light up the night sky simply to delight the ones You adore.
When I watch the fireflies… how can I not adore You right back?
My beautiful, hilarious, loving, heartbroken, compassionate, creative, longsuffering, incomprehensible God.
I adore You.
Thank You for the fireflies.

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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

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