Stayed On God

As we were leaving the doctor’s office, a woman was waiting outside the elevator. She asked if she could ride down with me because she doesn’t like to ride by herself. They currently only allow two people in the elevator at a time so Jason graciously waited to catch the next one while this woman and I rode down together. I stood up straight, took a deep breath, and tried not to think about the fact that, while I was her temporary security blanket, I had just left mine upstairs.

It had been hot in the office and, unfortunately, it was not a one-stick bloodwork day. Instead, it required a tiny needle in the hand sloooowwwwllly drawing blood by the vile. I tried not to make eye contact with it as it left my body. Trying to stay conscious, I repeated the mantra that it would all be okay as soon as I could lean on my husband. It seems I’m always trying to escape something for the security of another.

At that point, being strong for this frightened woman on the elevator seemed laughable to me. I wonder if she would have waited for someone different had she known how weak I truly am. I have a lot of trouble making myself go anywhere without Jason so, to me, she was the strong one being there alone. I’ve got news for her, if that elevator had gotten stuck, there would have been two hyperventilating women grasping at security blankets that had failed.

It’s weird that I can be strong to a point, when I believe I have to be. I give myself pep talks that say, “surely I can make it to x, y, z. Surely I could make it five more minutes without my husband.” And whenever there’s a crisis, “surely I can make it to the end.” But I push myself so hard I crash later, exhausted. My security in myself fails as well as my security in others.

I am disappointed. Why? Because I and other people let me down. My security is in the wrong place. But I wonder if, deep down, I’m afraid to put my security in God because I don’t want to be disappointed in Him. I’m afraid to fully trust God because He may let me down. What I really mean by that is, He may not do what I want Him to do.

The truth is, Jason can’t save me from anything God has allowed just like I couldn’t save the woman in the elevator from being trapped if it got stuck. Why is it so much easier to trust our security to earthly things rather than to God, who CAN do all things?

I’m not sure I have the answer but I think it has something to do with Satan’s lies. To put it plain and simple, I know God can but I’m afraid He won’t. I guess I still don’t fully trust that He knows what’s best for me, even if it’s not what I want. Satan loves this lack of trust. If we belong to God, the evil one can’t have our souls, but we can sure let him have our peace. I really hope recognizing this is the beginning of my scream in his ugly face, “NO MORE!” He doesn’t deserve anything God has gifted to His children. I want to stop letting him steal it! Are you with me?

As I think about security, the verse keeps repeating in my head, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you” (Isaiah 26:3). When I’m outside of my earth-bound security, my heart is not stayed on God. It is stayed on escape. “As soon as I escape this uncomfortable situation, I’ll be fine.” But God does not call us to a life of comfort. He has already given us security. All we have to do is accept it. All we have to do is stay our minds on Him. God over circumstances. We may not always be comfortable… but we will have peace. Perfect peace. I wonder what that’s like. Since Jesus offers it free for the taking, I intend to find out. Stay tuned…

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Author: Karina Baker

Hello, my dear friends! Glad to see you here. Thank you for reading about my beautiful rubble - my struggles with life, faith, and autoimmunity. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. My love and prayers to all of you!

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